The Man Bible: A Survival Guide: a Slater Brothers companion Read online

  Chapter Five

  IF SHE SAYS SHE’S NOT HUNGRY … SHE’S LYING

  * * *

  This applies to all females, no matter what their age is. My daughter learned this skill before she could even talk. If you’re snacking on something, your woman will be snacking on it too. Even if she says she’s not hungry. In all honesty, if she actually says the words ‘I’m not hungry’ then the chance of her wanting some of your food triples. That is a cold blooded fact.

  Don’t get upset about it, don’t even question it, just share your precious food and then regroup and prepare yourself for the next time ... because there will always be a next time. Women have no boundaries when it comes to their man’s food, they don’t have the respect to back the fuck off, but it’s not their fault. It’s in their genetics to want what we have.

  —Expect the unexpected ... because your woman expects you to share your food no matter what—

  After many, many, fuck ups over the years I’ve come to the conclusion that even if you get your lady a plate of her own, even if it’s the exact same fucking food that’s on your plate, she will still pick grub that is specifically yours simply because she can. I believe this comes from the mentality women have that ‘what’s ours is theirs, and what’ theirs is their own’. In other words, they are greedy, hell dwelling bitches ... and they fucking know it.

  Don’t worry though because I’ve only gone and found us a motherfucking loophole.

  What’s the secret you say? Easy, buy yourselves some big ass plates, stack it with food and share. Yup, it’s as simple as that. All your woman wants is to have something that’s yours and for you to freely give it to her without complaint ... kind of like our souls when you think about it. They just want to feel like you love them enough to part with a chicken wing or ten. That is the God’s honest truth of it. All you have to do is invest in new dishes and your life will become easier overnight.

  The trick to the big ass plate is to have your regular portion sizes times two so technically you’re not losing out on consuming any grub. It’s very likely that your woman won’t be able to eat as much as you can, but just in case she surprises you and can tuck away as much as you can, have a pre-meal in secret so your stomach is ready just in case you don’t get as much food as you expect to. It’s all about preparation, my friend. Once you know how your enemy’s mind works, you can predict their moves and counter before they even make them.

  However, if you want to risk death and have your food, and snacks entirely to yourselves, eat before you go home. That is the only way around this whole fucking nightmare. I don’t suggest having a hiding spot for food of your own within your house, women sniff that shit out and when that happens, you’ll find yourself in a dangerous situation that even this guide can’t get you out of.

  Chapter Six

  THE ARRIVAL OF … AUNT FLOW

  * * *

  This is a sticky subject—no pun intended.

  The arrival of Aunt Flow is dreaded by some men, and feared by most. Women have it in their minds that they are the ones who go through hell because it’s their bodies that are bleeding from the inside out, and guys, I’m here to tell you that is bullshit. There is one thing that is worse than a woman having her period, and that is living with a woman who has her period. From a very young age, Ryder has taught us all to never speak to strangers, and each month I have to turn my back on that golden rule because I’m never sure which personality my wife will take on during the duration of Aunt Flow’s visit.

  —Be alert, be cautious and for the love of God, don’t be a dickhead—

  The Aunt Flow personalities are never ending, and ones that I know well are as follows:

  Lucifer with a stick up his ass—this is a common personality, and even though it is the one that appears the most frequent, I still don’t like it. It makes me feel bad about myself for not putting the toilet seat down.

  Eeyore being Eeyore—this personality is a rough storm to weather. Tears are fucking constant, and when you try to do something sweet to get rid of them, more fucking appear. You just have to accept that anything and everything is depressing to your woman during this time, and the week will be so much easier.

  Is that my wife, or a hungry hippo?—this personality is hard on my wallet, during this time my woman really enjoys getting take-out. Sometimes twice a day. Never question how much she eats during this time, it will be held against you at a later date otherwise.

  A vicious sex fiend—Look, I’m hardly going to be the man that complains about my wife constantly wanting to ride me like a cowgirl, but I know how much she hates sex when she has her period. She feels extra gross, but when the vicious sex fiend makes an appearance, she seems to forget that and is only short of humping my leg on sight. This is where I have to make an executive decision to prevent an argument when this personality goes away. My choice? I suddenly come down with an illness that makes me feel like death. You have no idea how many Oscars I should have won by now.

  These four are the most common personalities, and I’ve yet to make friends with any of them. I don’t trust them, and I don’t like them, I never have and I never will. Aunt Flow is no joke, and she is not to be fucked with. The bitch is unpredictable, even if it’s a personality I’ve dealt with before. With each menstrual cycle, the personalities level up and become more powerful. Recently they have achieved boss status. The only thing I’ve found that helps in anyway is food, and wine. Have both stockpiled and ready for war because war is certainly what you’re about to engage in.

  Good luck, because you’ll fucking need it.

  Chapter Seven

  WHEN SHE’S MAD … BUT NOT MAD MAD

  * * *

  Trust me when I say that there is a difference between a woman being mad, and her being mad mad.

  When she is simply mad, she is sitting pretty in a realm of annoyance and frustration, but when she is mad mad, that realm switches up to her thinking murderous thoughts and forming plans to act on them. Your sole job during this period of time is to keep your lady from reaching the terrifying territory of mad mad. I don’t give a flying fuck what you have to do to keep her from levelling up and Hulk smashing you into next year, you do it, and you do it with a big ass smile on your face--especially you, Alec. You have to try harder than the rest of us because you’re harder to live with. No shade, bro, just facts.

  This is all easier said than done. Trust me, I know, but God wouldn’t have put us on this Earth if he didn’t think we were up to the challenge ... unless he just wanted to see us suffer unnecessarily, that is. For my sanity’s sake, I’m choosing to believe the former.

  —This is not the time for any fuck ups, be calm, collected and you just might survive—

  I’ve learned from past traumatic experiences that you don’t want to ask what is wrong with your woman once you have confirmed she is mad, this will push her to the mad mad stage instantly. We do not, under any circumstances, want that to happen. We want to defuse unwanted tension, and allow a veil of calm to fall upon the house. In order for this to happen, you have to be on your toes with plays, and back-up plays, secured within your arsenal. Plays that can be called upon at a moment’s notice. If she says jump, you say how high? If she says up is down, then bitch, up is now fucking down. Don’t question anything she does, no matter how stupid and ridiculous you think it is.

  One thing I’ve found that always transfers your woman’s anger from you to someone else is to bring up a person you know that they hate. Just casually slide that shit into conversation as innocently as you possibly can. I like to focus on Keela’s cousin Micah because I know Bronagh and her hate one another. I’ll be cooking dinner or helping fold the laundry and randomly mention that I saw Micah in the street on my way home from work arguing with an elderly lady over a parking spot (a complete and utter white lie) and boom, the topic of discussion is now about how much of a raging bitch Micah is, while I’m now chilling in the land of the free.

  You know your lad
y better than anyone so use what you know to distract her and use that shit against her. You’re probably breaking a wedding vow somewhere along the line, but look, she’ll feel better after a good bitching session, and you won’t be yelled at. All will be right in the world, and that is all that matters.

  Chapter Eight

  SHE WANTS FOOD … BUT CAN’T PICK WHAT FOOD

  * * *

  Jesus. Christ.

  This chapter could be a whole book in itself because fuck. I’ll admit that the level of fury I reach because of this fucking bullshit about nowhere being good enough to eat because my woman ‘isn’t in the mood for it’ is astounding. More than a few times I’ve disregarded my own damn advice from previous chapters in this guide and engaged in pointless arguments with my wife because I simply couldn’t keep my big mouth shut. I’ve suffered because of that, but it can never be helped. This topic is one that gets me heated instantly. I’m here today to help you four learn from my mistakes.

  —From the jump, don’t give her the power to make this decision—

  I don’t know about you guys, but my woman isn’t the best at deciding on what food to eat when it’s not coming from our freezer. She weighs out everything in her mind and mentally goes through them one by one, each option being swiped away like a bad Tinder match because she ‘isn’t in the mood for it’. It reaches a point where nothing sounds good, and she still doesn’t know what the fuck she wants to eat. First of all, what you don’t do is go ahead and get food you want because it will start a whole other argument about how you don’t care if she gets fed or not. This was the only time in my twenty-year relationship that I contemplated pushing my wife out of the car while I was driving.

  It was a low point, and all because she is an indecisive demon.

  Have no fear, because I have come out the other side with knowledge for you four to cash in on. It’s simple. It’s actually so simple that I’m mad at myself for not realizing it sooner. Instead of asking your woman where she wants to eat, thus giving her the power to drive you fucking crazy, reword your question. Don’t ask ‘what do you want to eat for dinner? Instead, say, ‘guess where I’m taking you for dinner? Whatever food joint she says first, pick that fucking place.

  If she’s in a mood and doesn’t give a direct answer, give not-so-subtle hints by saying shit like ‘it’s your absolute favorite place to eat’. If she still doesn’t get in then act sad and disappointed that she doesn’t care enough that you’re going out of your way for her.

  The pity party works nine times out of ten, and you won’t catch me judging you for it. You use whatever you possibly can to avoid an argument because as the saying goes ... happy wife, happy life.

  Chapter Nine

  SAVE THE DATES … LITERALLY

  * * *

  This seems like such a simple thing to be in the guide, I know, but it’s here to help you. Everything has a time, a date, and a location, right? You know this, but what you really need to know is the date, time and location of every little special thing that has ever happened between you and your woman or you will be the worse person in history. This goes from your first kiss, first hook up to the first moment you held back her hair while she puked into a toilet. I know what you’re thinking, what the fuck would I store that information away for? I’m here to tell you why: you’ll get laid more often.

  —Know your relationship history ... don’t let her get the jump on you—

  You’d be surprised how often random points in history can be suddenly brought to light, and how quickly you can find yourself faced with overwhelming odds that you’re about to be in for the headache of a lifetime. Knowing certain dates for special moments will show your woman that you care enough to remember those points in your life. That awful headache? It can be prevented if only you remember shit. Women are attracted to shit like this, it’s not rocket science. They will throw out random questions about these points in history to test you, to test your relationship, and if you’re prepared, you’ll surprise her and maybe she will return the favor, and pleasantly surprise you with a blow job, or better yet, pussy.

  If you want to take shit a step further, you can be the one to throw out the questions about your past. Test your woman on how well she knows you, and the relationship you both share. Trust me when I say she will not expect being interrogated since she is usually the one demanding answers to tricky questions. One of two things will happen in this situation, you’ll either get a cute response and be reminded of how much you love your wife, or your lady will draw a complete blank to your question, and in order to save face with you, she’ll initiate a sexual act to distract you. You will be happily distracted, and she will be none the wiser that you used her evil genius against her.

  Everyone wins, especially you.

  You’re welcome.

  Chapter Ten

  DOUBLE MEANINGS … THEY ARE EVERYWHERE

  * * *

  There are words, sentences, and even breathing patterns that women use that have a completely different meaning than what we as men are led to believe. It’s a mind fuck, and I’m sure the four of you have been stumped more than once by these switch ups, but relax, I’m here to guide you with a glossary of words that I’ve decoded for your you to view at your leisure.

  Fine—When a woman says this during an argument, she knows she is right and that you are very wrong. She is not fine, you are not fine, nothing is fine. Do not talk back when she says something is fine; wait until she is calm to mention that she might be wrong. Seven business days is a safe bet, double that if her eye twitched at any point when she spoke the word.

  Nothing—By the might of God, when a woman says nothing is wrong, something is definitely fucking wrong. Prepare for battle, because she is suiting up for a war, and you will be her target.

  Whatever—This is another way for ladies to say fuck you. Approach the conversation, and your woman, with extreme caution if she uses this word. You have a five to ten second window to respond with something that will stop the impending argument in its track. I advise offering to give her a massage, or to cook her food. Better yet, offer both.

  It’s okay, don’t worry about it—You do worry about it. You worry a lot because she is thinking of a way to make you pay for whatever you did wrong. I think it’s some sort of mind trick. They use this sentence as an illusion that things between you are okay, but when you least expect it, they strike like a viper and wound your soul.

  Go ahead—you do not under any circumstances go ahead. What you need to do is retreat to a safe distance and observe the situation very carefully. She is daring you to do something, not giving you permission. If you’re going to remember any of what I just said remember this--it might just save your life.

  I’ll only be five minutes—no, she will fucking not! Women measure time differently to men, it’s a known fact. If she is getting ready to leave the house, five minutes is never five minutes. Five minutes only means five minutes when she warns you that’s the amount of time you have left to play your Xbox. Fact. When your woman throws this sentence your way, times it by ten, and go about your business until she announces she’s ready. It’ll save you heartache in the long run, trust me.

  I just find it funny how—you’re fucked. If she says these words, you are most definitely fucked. This is not a spur of the moment sentence. No, this is a well thought out argument that she has most likely been preparing for some time, and was just biding her time waiting for you to fuck up before she hit you with an avalanche of pain. Don’t look her in the eye when she says this, keep your head low, raise your arm and show her your palm as you submit to her. She’s your alpha now, accept it.

  Seriously—Backtrack, and pause. She is not asking for clarification on what you just said, she is not asking for you to repeat it, she is giving you a chance to take a step back, rethink what you just said, so you can respond with something that isn’t fucking stupid.

  Maybe—the answer is no. I don’t care what you just asked, when she says
this, the answer is no.

  Do you think she is pretty?—If alarm bells aren’t going off like a fucking siren in your head the moment these words leave her lips, then you’re a dumbass. This is not a fucking drill, this is the real deal. Your woman wants confirmation that you think she still looks good. What you need to do is tell her that she is pretty, beautiful and everything in between and you’re not to even look at whoever it is that she is talking about. Not even a fucking glance. You’ll get brownie points for this, trust me.

  We need to talk—no, she needs to talk, and you need to stop whatever shit you’re doing and listen. That’s what she’s not saying.

  Loud sigh—This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal ‘fuck you’ statement often misunderstood by men. Only a moron would push a woman after she’s already released a loud sigh. I’d advise keeping your mouth shut at this point.

  Soft sigh—she is content. Don’t fuck that up.

  It’s up to you—wrong. So fucking wrong. Nothing is up to you, you do not make the decisions, she does. If she asks you this, she’s testing you. Do not take the bait. Pretend to be asleep.

  Give me some space—this can mean a few different things. If it’s in bed, back up and let the woman breathe a little. If it’s in an argument, you better get on your knees and start apologizing before shit gets real.

  I forgive you—she can live with whatever it was you did to piss her off in the first place, but it’s likely that it will be held against you for the next decade or so.